The Wedding Night That Wasn't
by NemKess
Summary: warnings: language. Heero and Relena are finally hitched, but where the heck is the groom?


Altho this is in the same timeline as my lemon series, it isn't a lemon. It is however, supposed to be funny. Don't worry, the lemons will be back for the honeymoon... NemKess

The Wedding Night That Wasn't 

a Lemon Arc sidefic 

written by NemKess

Relena sighed and ran the brush thru her damp locks again. She was starting to get irritated.

Turning, she stared at her reflection in the mirror critically. She didn't often wear lingerie. She was more the comfy pajama type, but tonight was special. A grin tugged the corner of her lips as she reexamined the two rings on her left ring finger. As of this afternoon she was Mrs. Heero Yuy.

She'd finally escaped the reception nearly two hours ago. She'd bathed and dressed in the only lingerie she owned. The thigh length sheer blue lace teddy had been a wedding gift from Mariemeia of all people. Lena snickered as she remembered the look on Une's face when that gift had been unwrapped. 

She couldn't wait to see Heero's reaction to it. She'd never bothered dressing up... err.. down before.

Which of course brought her thoughts full circle. Where the hell was her new husband?

He should have made his own escape not long after hers. 

Frowning at her image, she decided to give him another half hour before she went in search of him. With their luck, he just hadn't been able to get away from the inebriated pilots and their insistence on making a toast to every little incident that had occurred in the last 6 years. 

If she had to go looking for the groom on her wedding night, there were going to be hell to pay. 

Relena Yuy was not in a good mood as she pulled on a pair of jeans and one of Heero's t-shirts preparing to go look for her errant husband. In fact, she was pissed. Her movements were jerky and her breathing erratic as she contemplated all the ways to make the former gundam pilots suffer for this insolence. 

A bride was not supposed to be spending her wedding night alone in her room. It was unheard of. 

"When I get my hands on that damn Duo Maxwell..." She was sure he was the main culprit. He always made it his mission to get Heero as drunk as possible at any party the two happened to be at. He seemed to delight in making the former Wing Zero pilot do embarrassing things and capturing them on film. Normally, Relena found this to be highly amusing herself. And she'd certainly lent a helping hand on more than one occasion in the effort to get Heero to 'loosen up' in front of the camera. 

But Duo of all people should have known better. He and Hilde had just had their own wedding a few months before. Surely he should be able to appreciate that newlyweds should not be put into drunken stupors and made to jump through hoops. It was worse than unamusing. If one of the newlyweds was still coherent, it was downright dangerous. 

Pulling her hair back into a ponytail, she stormed out of her room and down to the banquet hall where the reception had been held, muttering obscenities and death threats the entire way. Pacifism be damned. She was going to kill someone. 

Trying to be unobtrusive, Relena ducked behind a potted tree and scanned the guests until she found Hilde standing next to the buffet talking to Noin. None of the pilots, her brother and husband included, were anywhere to be seen. Snagging the sleeve of a passing server, she whispered something to him and disappeared back into the hallway to wait for her message to be delivered. 

It took exactly seven minutes for Hilde and Noin to make their way out to her, she knew because she counted every second on the grandfather clock that stood in the corridor. Both women looked completely surprised to see the bride standing in there tapping her toes and looking extremely agitated. 

Relena decided to skip the pleasantries. "Where is Heero?" 

Her sister-in-law and best friend looked at each other in confusion before Noin spoke. "He isn't with you?" 

What little patience that had been sustaining the diplomat and keeping her from massacring everyone in sight snapped. "Does it look like he's with me?!" she ground out, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "Do you think I'd be down here talking to you on my wedding night, if he was with me?!" 

Both women shifted uncomfortably at the near hysterical note of laughter in Relena's voice. In all their years of acquaintance, neither had ever seen her lose her cool. 

Noin tried again. "But we all saw him leave and head your way. Duo was teasing him about it and Zechs was making.... unkind comments."

The new bride took a few deep breathes trying to calm herself. "Fine. Where are Duo and Zechs?"

Hilde shrugged her shoulders. "I dunno. Duo disappeared shortly after Heero."

Noin nodded in agreement. "So did Zechs..." Her eyes widened. "Oh shit. All the pilots disappeared right about then. You don't think they did something to Heero do you?"

"Mr. Life-Is-A-Practical-Joke and Mr. Big-Brother-Syndrom-Posterchild? No, the thought never crossed my mind." Her sarcasm was thick enough to cut with a knife. "Of course, I think they did something!"

"Well, we'll just gather a few of the servants and look for them. I doubt they went far." 

Relena was more than happy to let Noin take charge. At this moment, she was going to kill the next person who so much as looked at her wrong. Dammit, she thought. It wasn't fair. For the last week, it had been impossible to find a quiet moment alone with her fiancé. She'd been looking forward to making up for lost time tonight and what was she doing? Searching for the whole damn group of juvenile jerks, when she could be upstairs enjoying her night... and her husband. Her anger only grew as she imagined just ~what~ she was missing.

Dammit. They'd better find the missing males quickly. 

"Well?" 

"I don't know what to tell you. He's fine, he just needs to sleep it off," came the amused reply.

Sally couldn't help but snicker as Zechs paced around the bed where a very unconscious Heero lay. The man wasn't stupid. He knew that Relena had the servants looking for them all over the house. He also had to know that his sister was going to hit the roof when she saw what state her groom was in.

"Dammit. It's not my fault. But she's never going to believe that. She is going to kill us all."

It had been simple enough. He'd just wanted to have a talk with his new brother-in-law. That's all. Very harmless. Of course, he hadn't taken into account the amount of alcohol that Maxwell had poured down Heero's throat. Or that the afore mentioned miscreant had enlisted the help of Barton and Winner in order to play yet another joke on their friend. 

Actually, Zechs probably would have found a certain degree of amusement in their attempts to further humiliate the former wing pilot if it had gone the way it was supposed to. Instead, it appeared that Maxwell had miscalculated his own dexterity and ability to function when his liver was practically floating in whiskey. 

Now there was no telling what the practical joke had been. The only one of the guilty parties still conscious was Quatra and he was very definitely in la-la land. Zechs and Sally had yet to get a coherent sentence out of the Winner heir. 

The tall Preventer threw a disgusted look over his shoulder at where the drunken young man was snuggled up next to his unconscious lover and wiggling fingers around in front of his face talking to himself.

Drunkards. The whole lot of them were drunkards. Only Wufei was sober and Zechs had a feeling that was mostly due to Sally.

"You do realize that she will look here eventually. I doubt that she will stop until she has either found him or has searched this mansion down to its foundation." Wufei said as he sat down as far away from Quatra and Trowa as possible.

"Sally, are you sure there's no way you can rouse him?"

"Nope, that's a nasty bump on his head. Not bad enough to do significant damage, but add it to the alcohol and he's gonna sleep for a while."

Zechs swore again. This was not his fault, but he was going to get the blame anyways. He just knew it. If Relena didn't kill him, Noin would. And neither one would ask questions until after they'd bloodied his carcass. There had to be a way to get out of this mess. He doubted Heero would remember anything when he woke up. His face brightened.

"Wufei, you could help me put him in their bedroom. Then she'd think he just stumbled in and passed out on the bed all on his own. If she kills anyone, it'll be him."

"What about the bump on his head?"

"He's drunk. He could have fallen anywhere. It might even work in his favor because she'll be too concerned about him to hurt him."

Wisely, Wufei chose not to point out all the flaws with that plan. He was ready to do just about anything to get them out of his room. They'd barged in at a very inopportune time and he was anxious to get back to that point. With a sigh, he moved to help Zechs remove the 'evidence'.

Relena smelled a cover-up. Duo had been found curled up in the kitchen under the table sleeping peacefully. Trowa and Quatra were out in the garden's gazebo. Wufei and Sally had been in their room, Sally looking amused, Wufei looking constipated. Not that she really thought anything about that. Those two always looked like that. Zechs had been sitting in the library reading a book. Or rather, trying to look like he was reading a book. She had decided not to tell him that they'd searched the library twice already and that the book in his hand was upside down. 

And Heero? Unconscious in her bed.

With a grumpy sigh, the blonde sat on the bed next to his bandaged head. Yup, she thought. Definitely a cover-up. Did they expect her to believe that Heero had passed out, bumped his head, and still somehow managed to drag himself up here and clean his wound all on his own? 

It was beyond annoying, but she was resigned to not having much of a wedding night.

A flutter in her stomach reminded her that it wasn't as if they hadn't already consummated their marriage. Still, she thought with a petulant frown, she wanted her wedding night.

Resigned, she curled up next to Heero and drifted off to sleep. Her last conscious thought was that they were all going to make this up to her. Especially Heero.


End file.
